I was REALLY not expecting this.

I know I am becoming an adult as the years go by and as I tack on more responsibilities, but I feel like I missed the line where they were handing out the manuals.  So my question is, where can  I go to get one?
Seriously, life would be a lot simpler if there was like a generic rule book that was individually printed to match my exact and current situation.  I know, I know, we have the Bible and Book of Mormon, and C.S. Lewis, plus a whole bunch of inspired and motivating books.  But were in the world is the section on dating, marriage, work and school???  Because I might not have been looking hard enough, but I feel like those were not included in my books.
I just don't want to look back in 20, 10, 15, 5 years thinking "what if" or that I made a mistake in one of the crucial setting stone decisions I'm making for my life.  It's a lot of pressure and I'm not prepared to handle it!
Okay, I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm cool...
I just don't want to screw up ya know?  I just want to make my life worthwhile and not pull one over on Future Aimee.

Sometimes I just wish adulting was simpler.  Not even easier, just that I would know what I needed to do to get where I didn't know I wanted to be in the future. I find it a little funny however how most of us where in such a hurry to get here... At least I was. Now that I'm an "adult in training" I kind of want to go backwards and hide in the time were coloring outside the lines by accident was my biggest crisis.
Now it's "how exactly do taxes work?" and "how do I file an auto claim" and "make your own dentist appointments."  That's a lot of anxiety for me heh heh.  Maybe everyone else has it figured out, but I'm still making it all up as I go.

Remember, when in doubt, just smile but don't nod.  If you nod, you might accidentally agree to something like all those credit card companies who have found me and want me to sign up with a high interest rate.  Yay adulthood.
Where are my goldfish crackers?  I need a juice box...

Towards the End of Summer

As summer is coming to a close, all I can think is GOOD RIDDANCE.  Seriously though, having a job with no air conditioning and constantly prompting you to go outside for leveling trailers or hooking them up, fetching vans and the like is not pleasant when the sun is trying to melt your skin off.
I'm trying to help customer's on their rental contracts, sweat just falling down my face like a waterfall.  I'm trying to catch droplets before they land and explode like mini assault bombs on the contract below.  "Excuse me," I say to the customer, SLOSH SPLOSH SWIPE wiping the sweat off and just making my cheeks more flustered and my bangs stick to my forehead in a sopping mop of hair.  And the looks on the customers' faces... shocked, surprised, a little scared, and mostly concerned.  Of course it doesn't help that I'm drinking bottles of water in between contracts, it's just like refueling the sweat glands.  But you know, I just work there.

Haha, anyway work has been an adventure.  Though I thought I needed more love in my life and a lot less sleep.  So I took a job has a night-time mother's assistant.  The mother of new born twin boys to be exact.  The family I work with is really nice, honestly I couldn't ask for better home employers.  And the little munchkins are adorable.  I just have given up on sleeping through the night while I am there, which is totes understandable because I am literally paid to get up with the little men in the middle of the night.  And I can sleep during the afternoon.  Most of the time.  Glass half full, my summer school semester was pretty much said and done by the time I started pulling all nighters, so I don't have to stress over that anymore.

I won't actually have to stress over school anymore for a while, well except for the school of life.  But it is kind of hard to ignore those lessons.  It's been quite a journey for me to come to this decision.  And it's still hard to maintain my firmness in choice because of everyone telling me to "just finish your degree" or "why aren't you taking classes next semester?".  Psshhhhhhh.  My mom has supported me though, she says if I'm not invested in it, or if I'm not going to use my degree, it is a waste of time and money to finish.  Which I completely agree.  And honestly, I already have an Associate's Degree, so it's not like I am at the bottom of the barrel.  I just, feel like it's a waste to me.  I can always learn and grow without paying $5000 a semester.  Which for your information is like 92,500 pesos.  That's a lot of pesos.

Now you guys might not be interested in pesos or the conversion rate from the USD.... but I am.  Because I will be moving to Mexicooo come December.  Now if you would have asked Past Aimee if she ever thought she would be moving to a different country, that spoke a different language, and had different cultural aspects, she would have laughed because that's what she does under pressure in where she doesn't know how to act.  "I laugh when I get nervous."
However, if you were to ask Future Aimee, she would already be there haha.
Present Aimee couldn't imagine Future Aimee anywhere else.

I met a Mexican, we became friends.  Later I fell in love with him.  We are getting married, I'm moving to Mexico, I know Spanish.  I have a whole family down there.  Puff... The happenings are happening fast.

I always knew my mission would change my life... I just was completely unaware to how much it would change.

30 May 2016

I know it's been a while since I've written.  And most of you probably didn't even notice, no worries there.  I have been busy living life, going to school, working, having a long distance relationship... You know, the kind of life I have that seems generic.
I cleaned my fish's bowl today.  Her name is Buttercup and she's the biggest goldfish I've ever seen.  She is beautiful, intelligent, and I've had her for almost five years now.  We are moving out of our house, to a different one about 25ish minutes away, so a few months back I down-graded her bowl from a grande circle to a smaller oval.  She did not like it.  Buttercup could only swim so far until she had to turn and go up or over, she didn't like the cramped space.  It also didn't help that she kept growing so the bowl seemed to be shrinking.
So today as I was finishing up some school work before my actual work time, I looked up and saw her.  She was going around in circles, slowly.  She looked almost resigned to the fact she wasn't going to get any more space for a while, that she had to live with what she got.  And I felt a pang of emotion...
I know fish can't talk, but they are living creatures and they need their space to grow.  So I got up, cleaned her bowl and then transferred her to the bigger bowl she originally had.  You would have thought I gave her a koi pond.  She was swimming all around, excited to know her surrounding again, diving up and then down to the bottom.  She was happy.  She wasn't expecting a change of life.
I know, I know, she's a fish.  But the whole experience just made me think that maybe I have to be willing to accept my minimal space where I don't feel like I have that much room to grow and do what I can in that space... Because right around the corner could be my bigger bowl, and my chance to grow bigger and swim farther than I would have appreciated before.
Just some random thoughts.

Feelings can be Colors.

Have you ever felt the weight of the world on your shoulders?  Okay well, not just THE world, but YOUR world?  To me that is a lot heavier than THE world, because well, it's more personal.

I have.
I've felt it, and it's a crushing weight.  Almost as if it takes pleasure in seeing how it flattens you.  It's an invisible force, can't be seen but the impact can make it hard to breathe.
Some people call it stress.  But I don't think that's completely a true term.  I know what stress is.  I have felt it a lot and sure, it's pressure but not completely crushing.

I've been feeling my world on my shoulders for a couple days now, and it's really starting to get to me.
I don't know if I want to cry or just stare at the ceiling blankly, letting myself be swallowed into the hollow thoughts drifting through my head.  Or if I want to eat a whole box of swiss rolls or see how long I can go without eating because my appetite isn't consistent anyway.
It's as if I'm feeling so much at once, that it comes out as a straight spout of confusion.

I like to make sense of things by writing.  Unfortunately, sometimes my words come out as muddled as well, mud.  In which case I turn to my alternative source of sensical.
Painting.

Painting is simplier because I can just paint with the main colors I'm feeling.  Today I painted a canvas.  I didn't know what it would turn out to be, I just put colors on the blank space.  Emotions I was feeling turned into more solid colors, allowing me to disect what was being swirled together.
Dark blue, Black, a mix of Aqua... Add Blue.  Add Light Purple.  Make it darker.  Add something light to contrast.

Who knows what I wanted to paint.  But the colors make it easier to see what needs to be seen.  I still feel my world, but it's not as heavy...
I can do this.
I can hold up what's important and push on.
  I just wish it would be a little less... pesado.
But until then...

I'll be listening to sad music, letting myself paint my feelings into something beautiful.

List of Lies.

For those of you who don't know, I love making lists.  I don't know why, but I do.
A list for my favorite songs, favorite movies, quotes, people, friends, novel ideas, little things everyone loves, how to make my blog more interesting, etc.

Well one list in particular I actually forgot that I wrote.  But looking over it, I thought it was still so true that I wanted to post it on my blog.  So without further ado, here is my list of lies.

White Lies ALMOST Everyone Says:
* I'm only going to have one slice of pizza...
* "It was a mutual decision..."
* I have read the terms and conditions
* Today is the day I finally go back to the gym
* Oh yeah, I have heard of that band/book/movie/ect.
* I NEVER use facebook anymore
* I don't need directions, I know where I am.
* You look great, honest!
* I am only going to watch one more episode...
* I'll clean up later
* I would love to do something, but I'm super busy tonight.
* I'll definitely go to your play/improv/show/party.
* I'll be there in a few minutes.
* I just left the house.
* Sorry I'm late, traffic was awful.
* I'm not going to spend all my money on pointless crap.
* “I totally got a [insert score slightly higher than actual score] on my SATs/ACTs, before they changed the score system.”
* I totally get what this song is saying, 100%

* Oh, I just saw your text/call.
*I don't need to write it down, I'll remember
*Of course I remember who you are!
*I am going to finish my homework a day before it's due.
*I am going to go to bed early tonight.

And then the most used lie of all time:
* Don't worry, I'm fine.

Any other lies I've missed?  Let me know, I would love to hear them (NOTE: that was NOT a lie.).

Buckle up, it's time to put on your big kid panties.

Hello.
So it has come to my attention that most of us are FREAKING OUT over various things.  Whether it be; family issues, school, work situations, moving crap, friends, mis-communication, pick your poison really.  Anyway the main point is that stress is making people crazy.


Now back in the day, when I had zero time for anything, I was stressed out of my mind.  I was addicted to stress, because it was familiar to me.  If I didn't have enough on my plate (assumingly), I would aquire more responsibility.  And it would continue on until I had to much, at which point I could stress and complain about how much I had to do.


It was an ugly cycle.


The thing about stress, is that it is supposed to be good for you.  It's the body's response of stretching yourself, signaling that you are growing.  However nowadays we use stress only as a negative term, when really it's supposed to be considered a healthy process.  Stress can help you know your limits and when they are being challenged.  That way you are able to more accurately gage how much you can do without... dying. 


But the tricky (I typed ticky the first time, lolz) thing about stress is that you can over-do it pretty hard core.  Like anything in life, too much of something is bad. 
(But what about money??  Or chocolate??  Or Rick Riordan novels??)
This is why I don't debate with myself, I have a lot of good points.


Anyway, my point is that we shouldn't give ourselves extra stress.  Did you know that most of the things we are stressing about actually DON'T have any life long effects? 
(NOTE:  I did say MOST things, I mean marriage and obeying the different laws [i.e. thou shalt not kill.. even when they are being super annoying know-it-alls...] would most likely affect your life forever).


That test you failed?  Probably not even going to remember it a year from now.
That boy/ girl who doesn't like you back?  Won't even matter when you move on to the right one.
The job you just got fired from?  An oppertunity to find a better one.


You see where I am getting at?  As long as you are surrounded by those who love and support you, you are invincible!  You can do anything! 
And yes, sometimes you will have to go to work when you just want to curl up in a blanket and watch netflix all day.  And yes, sometimes you are going to have to drag yourself out of your house to go to school.  But that's life.  Sometimes we do things we don't want to do.  Sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to.


Nobody said life was going to be easy.  They just said it was going to be worth it.


So ENJOY YOURSELF.  You have oppertunities all around you, just open yourselves to the different possibilities.  Let yourself become more than you already are.


And just know it's okay to worry and stress, as long as you keep it under control.  Don't wallow in what COULD happen and miss out on what's happening right now.

Soapbox 3.0

Helllllllllooooo Nurse.
Haha if you get the reference, you get extra brownie points.  #freebrownies #browniepointsthatis

Anyway my brother pointed out to me, in the most blunt manner possible, that my post last time was a little preaching.  And he told me like this "I think your last post was a little preaching".  I appreciate the honesty and it helped me realize that maybe I had some rant....ness bent up inside of me that has begun leaking out.
Most people would just argue that it's part of my straight-forward style, which is true.  But still, it gives me an excuse to rant again.  MUHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHHA.

I like that.
I like it very much.

What I want to talk about right now is relationships.  You know, it being Valentine's Day and all, it seems fitting.  Even though I don't really enjoy endorsing it, I can't deny that there is love in the air more so then usual.

Sorry, I had this whole thing planned where I would talk about friendships and be so inspiring about why they're important and blah blah blah.  But I got distracted on facebook for the last few *cough* 15 *cough* minutes.  And I have something else I want to address.

If you love someone, TELL THEM.

I know I'm in my 20s, still young, and inexperienced in life.  However, I've seen enough problems, faced enough trials, and have met enough people to realize the most important thing in life we can share is our outspoken, all-encompassing, and non-judging love.

I have friends who tell me all the time that they like this guy.  Ha, there is always "a guy".  But they will say that they like this guy in their class, work, church, etc. but that he would NEVER like them.  And my biggest question is always, "why wouldn't he like you?"
Not only are we our own worst critic, but also we will be who we think we are.  Whether we are already that person or just slowly evolve into them, we will eventually become who we think we are.  Is that powerful?  Why set your sights on something average when you are meant to be so much more?  AND if this guy didn't like who you are, why would you want to be with him?

I just think things would be resolved a lot sooner if we weren't so scared all the time.  If we weren't scared of rejection, of looking weird, of being different, of putting ourselves out there, of being vulnerable... think of all the things we would accomplish.

When I told my boyfriend that I was in love with him, I was scared out of my mind.  I didn't know how to put the words, we weren't dating at the time and I was terrified he would not feel the same.  So I took the leap of faith.  I figured my pride would heal with time if I was rejected or that it could be the start of something amazing.
Seeing how we are now dating and I fall more in love with him everyday, I would say it was a success.  However, I had to LEAP out of my comfort zone.  And I'm so glad I did.

My older brother pursued a girl who was waiting for a different guy.  My sister found her sweetheart is a high school boy who took time to catch her eye.  My parents started dating because my dad thought the Blockbuster manager looked cute and on a whim asked her out.
My point is, all these stories had to start somewhere.  It started when one person decided to take a risk and put their pride on the line.

Time is so precious and even if the person doesn't like you back, you start the process to healing and finding someone else who will.  Love makes us nervous, but it is also a powerful push for us to do things we never thought we could do.

I've been talking about romantic love for the past little bit, but I feel like love is so pure and beautiful that this can be applied to any form.  If you feel love and gratitude for your parents, tell them.  If you feel love from your friends, tell them.  If you have a sibling you just couldn't bare not having, tell them!
Love is something that just makes someone feel good.  Even if they don't necessarily feel it for you.  Telling someone that you love them is telling them that they are enough.  That they are worth it.  And I feel like so many times people don't say how they are feeling because they don't want to seem "gay" or "mushy" or "weird".  Society wants us to think that's bad, but there is nothing wrong with loving others.

So I'm going to wrap it up here, *steps off soapbox*.  Sorry if I got a little scatter-brained out there.  But hopefully you kept with me, if not, maybe I should consider posting flow charts... Haha.

To end it, I just want to say thank you for caring enough to read my posts.  It means the world to me, really it does.  And I love all of you very much!  Enjoy the rest of your Holiday.  And remember, just because you may be single, doesn't mean your life isn't FULL of people who love you.

Priorities. Because we don't talk about them enough, lolz.

I have to admit that I enjoy flipping absentmindly through my different social media sites.  I like doing so because it isn't very taxing on my attention until something sparks my interest.  Sometimes these sparks can be made by a friend's update, any sort of confrontation (I enjoy popcorn in these situations), or a thought-provoking quote that makes me think about my existence in a fuller sense. 


Quite recently as I was scrolling through my facebook, even though I just checked it on my phone (we've all done it, no outward judgement) and I came across a quote that changed how I thought about priorities. 
The quote was this; "No one is really ALWAYS busy.  It just depends on what number you are on their priority list."


BAM.
Now let that sink in.


I know, I know, people get busy.  Adulting is actually sort of time consuming.  Life decides to step in and shake things up every once in a while.  However, throughout all the storms and unexpected occurances that can happen, the fact remains; No one is really ALWAYS busy.


I will use myself as an example.  Because writing is always better when done closer to home. 


I get pretty busy sometimes, less so nowadays because I am taking a semester off from school, but before I had a hard time looking for some free time.  But then I think about all the time I spend writing, watching Netflix, extra time laying in bed when I should really get up because now I am going to be gross because I won't have time to take a shower, etc.
And when people would ask me if I wanted to go out and do something, I would be able to find an excuse if I wanted to. 
"Sorry, I have this paper due tomorrow."
"Wayyyy too much homework."
"I need to get a good night's sleep."
"I am not going to see the Justin Bieber movie."
However one day my friend from the U was having a rough day, and I dropped EVERYTHING and spent the day with her.  I missed a class, procrastinated my homework, I made time for her.  Because she was my priority.


It's very true that everyone has different priorities, whether work will always come first or school is the most important thing right now, we all have things we see to be of higher value.  Now priorities are always fluctuating, and that's okay.
I mean, when I was younger the most important thing was that I became a beautiful black barbie when I grew up (true story) but now it's more important to me that I make my bills on time (plus found out you can't become a barbie... sad). 
The point is that as we change, our priorities change with us.  Sometimes within the change however, we can loose the focus of what really is important to us.  When we know what we want out of life, we can then more accurately gage what we want to spend our time and efforts on.


Where I am working right now I have the morning schedule, which usually means I'm home by noon or 2pm (at the latest).  Now coming from a workaholic who has only worked nights and graveyards until this employment, it's pretty much the best thing in the world.  MORNING SHIFTS ROCK PEOPLE.  *Biased opinion*
Anyway, because it is only mornings, I only work part-time.  Going back to the whole workaholic issue, I am used to working more and in turn making a lot more of them moneys that I like. 
(Money can't buy happiness but it buys food.  Which is kind of the same thing.)
Being part-time means less moneys but more time to spend on personal connections, i.e. family relations, long-distance communication, and relationships. 


Anyway, I had a friend who recently got a promotion and so her boss-man was looking for someone to replace her full-time.  Someone bilingual.  Someone who wants to work all the time.  Someone who likes counting money as a past-time favorite.  So basically someone like me.
And she offered to help me get an interview, because I would be good at it.  However more time spent working is less time spent with the people in my life.  With more moneys of course.


So basically it came down to what my priorities right now in my life are, time or money.  I went through my usual process, calculated how much money I would get, imagined what it would be like, made it seem like it would be better than it would actually be, got stressed, talked to my parents, recieved wise advice, tried to combat said advice, eventually came to a conclusion. 
Which was, right now, my priority is spending time with my family, friends, and making these memories while I have the chance. 


Was that the wrong choice, eh, who knows.  God knows.  God knows everything.  He's like Santa Claus, with less of an eating disorder. 


That's my post for today.  And if you are feeling stressed, maybe you are just not focusing on the most important things.  You are under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago.  And with that, your priorities are under no obligation to be under the same order they were five minutes ago either. 

Love and Flusters. (SHORT STORY)

Sunday, January 7th 

Dear Diary, today I went to the church with my momma.  It was the praisin' and singin' Baptist Church down the road.  My momma says she likes them folks and their culture, but I know that she really just likes the preacher.  He's super expressive and talks in momma's direction a lot.  When the preacher looks at her, she blushes and fans herself, all flustered like.  I don't know why it's so special to be looked at by a boy.  Especially when that boy don't even have them guts to come talk to ya in person!  When I told momma what I thought durin' supper time, she scolded me and told me never to talk about the preacher again unless I had some confessin' to do.  She musta seen how confused I was because then she told me that one day I'll meet a boy who gets me all flustered and blushin' just by looking at me or saying my name.  She said my cheeks will get all hot.  I don't know if this counts, but when Carter Roe told me that my name, Billie Jean, was a boy's name, my face got all hot and I pounded him in the face.  Maybe that's what momma is referin' to? 

Monday, January 8th 

I took what momma said to heart yesterday, so while I was out in the schoolyard, I kept my eyes out for a boy who'd make my face get hot, in a good way.  I had no such luck.  I still am skeptical that you can have your face flustered in a good way.  Maybe momma has never had an angered hot on her face, but I know factually that she has.  People say I get my temper from my momma.  Anywho, Carter Roe was the only boy who talked to me today.  He sits next to me now in readin' and wanted to know how to pronounce "Ventura."  Psh, why'd he think I'd know!  I'm in class with ya to learn not to teach, you coot!  But, I was testin' what momma said and told him to say my name to see if I'd get weak in the knees.  Carter Roe thought that was a weird request, but I told 'im to say it anyway.  Then he flat out refused.  So I stood up and yelled, "Carter Roe say my name!"  And he just flat out ignored me.  So I pounded him.  And ended up in the principal's chair.  Again.  This flustered thing is nothin' but trouble, I don't know why my momma likes it so much. 

Tuesday, January 9th 

My best friend Penny asked me why I yelled at Carter Roe yesterday.  She ain't even in the same readin' class as us, but people have been talking about it already.  I told her about my momma, the preacher, and my decision to find a boy who makes me flustered too.  Penny is a good listener, that's why I think we are such good pals I think.  I talk, and she listens.  Sometimes she talks too, but I don't listen as well as she does.  Penny nodded and said she knew exactly what momma was talking about.  I was amazed!  How did Penny figure it out before me?  So I asked her if she could teach me how to do it.  Penny smiled but told me that she didn't know how she learned it, she just did.  I was confused.  Penny said that she didn't even know she could get red faced and feel flustered until the beginnin' of August when we went back to school and Ethan Smith said 'hi' to her.  She said that as soon as he said her name, she couldn't say anything, only smile.  It was like someone put a spell on her and she couldn't funct'n right.  Crazy stuff.  Penny then said that she asked HER momma and that her momma said she could be in love.  Psh, it sounds more like a voo-doo curse than love.  But, that's just me.   

Thursday, January 11th 

Sorry it's been so long Diary, well it's beena day.  Still, not much happened during that day.  Just I asked my momma if she loved the preacher... I probably shouldn't of though.  My momma wanted to know who asked and all that.  So I said, "Momma, I'm asking, no one else."  Then she wasn't AS mad.  Momma told me that love is a thing you can't explain with words, even if you knew every single one in the dictionary.  Momma said that love is somethin' you feel and so it's hard to know if you love 'em or not.  Because sometimes your brain and heart gets bored and they play tricks on you I guess.  Why do people want to be confused and in love?!  I can't even see a good reason to be in love yet.  Momma gets so flustered she gots to fan herself, Penny doesn't talk when she's around Ethan, and Carter won't say my name when I ask 'em to.  What's the point of being in love if it just makes you weird? 

Saturday January 13th 

School is over for the week, which is nice and all.  I'm still kinda confused about the whole love thing, but not too much.  I just don't think about it.  Yesterday, Carter Roe asked if he could talk to me after class, I said sure.  We walked to the bus stop together and I apologized for poundin' him... again.  He said it was okay.  But then he asked why I wanted him to say my name. So I told him about what momma said.  He looked at me and said, "Well, I do like ya Billie Jean."  That's when I felt my face get hot and I felt sick in my stomach, like butterflies were ramming all over in there.  I didn't know what was goin' on!  So, I pounded him.  And I decided I don't like feelin' flustered.  So, I'll leave the romantic stuffs to my momma and Penny.  Count me out of it. 

I am way sorry!

Hello my people!
So like the title says I am way sorry that I haven't posted anything in a while.  I have been letting my inner artist mingle with my nerd side, so I have been otherwise occupied. 


Being said this is just a quick little note to let you know that I will be posted one of my very favorite short stories (that I wrote, so you know, biased and whatnot) TODAY.  Yep, you read it right.  Your wait for new orginal Aimee material is OVER!  And you probably didn't even know you wanted to read it so bad.


I'm here to tell you that you do.  You're welcome.


Also what I have been occupied with (because I know you are all DYING to know, and I would hate to kill you guys.  Unless it's with laughter) is I have drawing various Pokemon.  Starting with the best and my favorite, Charmander. 


My goal is to draw all orginal 151 *when counting Mew.  Yikes, it's going to be a process but hey, maybe it'll be the thing to finally teach me patience. 


Anyway HIGHLIGHTS:
  Short Story being posted TODAY
  Pokemon drawings being continued
    *If you get involved and help me know which Pokemon you'll like to see next (polls will be posted here and on Facebook) I will send completed pictures to those who are involved the most, of the pokemon of their choice.  You know, to show my support for your support for me.*
  Just found out that I love using these *************** they look awesome! 


Until next time!

Lessons

Sometimes I lay down in my bed at night and just think.

I think about what life would be like if I didn't make certain stupid decisions.  If I got all the things I had wanted over the years.  If all the things I wanted so much to happen, actually worked out.

I think about how far I've come and all the many things that have passed me.  The  good.  The bad.  The weird... haha.  (How was I supposed to know I would lose all my Princess Points if I started a marker brawl during study hall??)

You know, I've made a lot of mistakes.  I've smashed a statue of Jesus, trying to see if he would fly.  I've let some words slip that would have been left best unsaid.  I've been less awesome than my normal AMAZING self.  Ha, I also have this thing with humility...

But within those mistakes, there were lessons.  Lessons that I wouldn't have learned or seen without the stupid mistakes.  Because being human, I can be really hard headed.  (Women.... jk.. that's sexist).  And I can only learn these important lesson by going through the pain.

I've learned that I don't have to make everyone happy.  That I can say no.  That I have limits when it comes to juggling.  That I can get a little TOO competitive (never take me to Vegas).  That I am under no obligation to be the same person I was yesterday.  That Jesus in statue form cannot indeed fly.  That I am not in life alone, even if I feel like it.

Everyone has lessons they learn.  But not everyone applies them.  You know what they say, only a fool does the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result.

Most important thing I have learned this past year is the one piece of thought I leave this post with;

I am under no obligation to be the same person I was last year, last week, yesterday, or even today.

Short Story: From a Knight's Perspective

Fear.  That’s what gripped my very heart when I saw him.  I clutched my heart and stared dumbfounded at the horrifying sight that lay in front of me.  My companions, The Man and the Queen, yes the Majesty herself, didn’t seem to take notice.  Or if they did, they didn’t seem to understand the amount of danger we had just stepped into.   

The Beast laid in front of me, roaring loudly with creaks and groans.  The noise he made rumbled shaking his enormous body, but not aware of me and my party. As I was taking in the monstrosity, I had stopped to gape up at him.  The Queen noticed my absence and looked back.  She seemed to see my fear, and walked back to me. 

The Queen was a majestic creature.  Easily, the most beautiful maiden I have ever seen.  She had a smile that would make your heart full and a tender touch as soft as a butterfly’s landing.  I had vowed to do everything in my power to keep her safe.  The Man had suggested we take this journey to a Valley where I have never been in all my years of life.  Noticing this Beast in front of me, I could imagine why I’d never had the pleasure.   

She looked at me and kindly asked, “Matthew?  Do you not want to come in with us?  Are you scared?” 

I tore my eyes away from the Beast and looked at her gentle eyes.  How in the heavens could I tell Her Majesty that I was too big of a coward to embark in this fool’s errand?  I didn’t even understand why we had to go past the Beast in the first place, we could easily retreat the way we came.  Before I had a chance to express my thoughts or how I was feeling about our so-called quest, The Man cut in. 

Oh, The Man...  such an ignorant fool.  I didn't know much about him, such as where his birth land was, or even if he was of noble descent.  He seems very fond of the Queen herself, always flaunting himself about her as if he was a deranged monkey.  For all I know, he could be.  When The King had departed from my homeland, that's when this jester appeared.  The only kind word I can think to say about him was that he helped dry Her Majesty's tears when The King never returned.

  

“He’ll be fine. What are you worried about?”  He tapped his foot impatiently, as if wanting to be slain and we were slowing him up. 

I wanted to shout, Then go and be eaten already!  But I didn’t, because there was a Lady present. 

She turned to him and said, “Well maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all.  I would hate to force him to do anything.” 

The Man scoffed, “I was his age when I first came here, and I loved it!” 

The Queen didn’t seem to take regard to his comment but instead turned to me.  “Matthew, you don’t have to come.  You can sit here with me.” 

I smiled, how I wanted to hug her!  She gave me an honorable route out of the quest, and best of all, she wouldn’t be in danger if she stayed here with me!  I was about to say, yes!  Stay with me where it’s safe! when The Man sighed, “No no… I’ll stay with Matt.  You have been wanting to go.” 

She smiled graciously at him, “You sure?”  Wait… she wanted to go?  I felt ashamed.  I looked down at my shoes, too disgraced to look at her.  How dare I take an oath to protect her and yet sit here willingly with him while she faced certain death.  No, I would not allow it.  I would go with her.   

“No!”  I said, with a little more force than I was expecting.  They both looked at me and I nodded confidently.  The Man let out a weird hunting call, it sounded like a “whoop” and did a fist up motion.  I do not know what this signifies. Just another way to show off his foolish customs, I'm sure. Her Majesty however took my hand and with excitement said, “The adventure awaits!” 

We made our way to a tunnel that was located under the Beast, leading us to his lair.  I noted that besides the rumbling coming from the Beast, he seemed to be otherwise sleeping or merely bored.  In any case, he didn’t seem to be moving much.  I tried to move as quietly as possible, as not to disturb him or let him know where we were.  However if he did notice us, he didn’t pay any mind.  The closer we got to the tunnel, the more shrilled screams I heard and the less I liked the idea of The Queen going in there.  But if she were to go, I would be right beside her.   

I realized as we made it to the entrance of the tunnel that we were not the only explorers there that day.  It seemed as if hundreds of peasants had come to try fate.  Perhaps this Beast had a silent call to its prey.  The very thought disturbed me.  We shuffled along with the common folk into the tunnel and into a small, dreary room that was lined with strange looking boats.   

These were not the boats I remember seeing in books.  No, these were different.  Over the excitement rumble of the crowd, I could hear the screaming sharper now and the terrible, shambling, grumbles of the Monster.  However I could no longer see him, which didn’t make me feel like we were any safer.  I only hoped that he was still sleeping or set on paying us little heed. 

I don’t like this place nor the feeling I get here, I wanted to tell Her Majesty but before I could, I noticed the commoners in front of us taking turns to get into these strange boats.  Each boat sat four persons it appeared.  Two in front and two in the back.  The only safety about it was a metal bar that came down over the seats and rested just above the passengers' laps. Then as soon as the four riders were secured in place, the boat disappeared up a metal hill that let out of the dungeon like room. How curious, I thought staring at the contraptions. This must be the way out. 

GRRR… CREAAkk…. HisssSSS….. I jumped at the sound and looked around, much more alert.  The Man looked like a crazy jester, all happy and frankly, weird.  The Queen herself looked either nervous or full of anticipation… I couldn’t quite tell.  But maybe it wasn’t too late to turn back.  I looked behind us and my heart filled with dread, the tunnel was all backed up with peasants, pushing and shoving one another to try their luck at death's lair. There was no way we could go out the way we had come.  Which meant all we could do was go forward and hope for the best. 

By the time we reached the boats, I was full of bent up anxiety.  I couldn’t hear the Beast very close anymore.  This was our time to escape!  This was our chance to ride our boat to freedom!!  I grabbed the Queen’s hand and pulled her towards the nearest one.   

“Hold up there, bud,” a servant called from behind me.  Oh great, the help.  “You get to ride in a special seat bud.”  Stop calling me that, I wanted to snap at her.  But that is a bad reflection of character to yell at the help.  Instead I nodded lazily.  She would not get a rise out of me; not while I was so close to freedom with Her Majesty.   

The servant quickly put a little chair into the bigger one.  The curses of having a small frame, I grumbled.  I immediately gestured for the Queen to sit by me, I was not going to be very happy if she were to sit in the back alone.  Nor if The Man sat by me.  He smelled of peanuts usually; I detested peanuts.  Maybe the Beast will be attracted to the smell though, in the unfortunate case we encounter him. Then The Man could be useful for once and be eaten in place of us. By the softer rumblings, I hoped it meant we would escape, free of meeting the Beast personally. 

The servant helped us pull the bar in front of us, The Man bounced up and down.  What a child, I rolled my eyes and looked at concern at the Queen.  She seemed to be content at the moment, so I tried to relax and put myself at ease.  The boat started forward, creaking and rattling as it made its way over the hill and out of the tunnel. 

Once out of the dimness, I realized how high the hill actually was.  I could smell the air, cleaner than down on the ground. I could feel the wind on my face, colder than it was down there.  I could see the entire Valley from my perch, with the different Metal Monsters and human contraptions all scattered around the fairgrounds.  Such a beautiful view!  I stole a look at Her Majesty; she caught me doing so and smiled. 

At the very top, I had fully relaxed and embraced the fact that the Beast had left us alone.  “Here it comes!!” was the last thing I heard The Man scream before we were eaten.   

At least, I am pretty sure we were eaten.  I closed my eyes as soon we dropped down in our little boat.  The wind started ringing in my ears as we gained momentum down the creature’s throat.  It had somehow snuck up and was positioned in front of us!  I shook my head madly, eyes still shut tightly, at the thought of my lack of detection.  If we lived through this, I will not be tricked again! 

I was suddenly aware that The Man behind us was screaming… like a lady no less!  But that wasn’t what concerned me.  The Queen herself was screaming as we lurched through the body of the Beast, flowing and being eaten alive.  Oh no!  I screamed in my head, I have to save her!  I must do what I can to save her!  I mustered all my courage and started fighting back.  I was hitting and spatting, kicking at every turn in hopes that the stomach of the Beast would be irritated.   

Sweat beaded on my brow, but there is no rest for heroes.  Especially not on their final stands.  I continued to fight and it seemed as if the battle lasted for hours.  I didn’t open my eyes until her gentle voice spoke.  “Matthew, it’s over.” 

My eyes snapped opened in disbelief.  We somehow made it back to the tunnel with the crowds and boats.  How? I wondered.  Faintly I made out more creaking and screaming, but it wasn’t Her screaming so I paid no mind.   

In fact, she was standing above me, helping me out of my chair.  “Who’s my big boy?” she cooed as she lifted me up and hugged me.  I hugged her tightly back and smiled widely.  I defeated the Beast.  I had won. 

The Man was waiting for us at the exit and smiled at me, “I knew this little guy could handle that monster” he said.  Hmm he was right that I handled it, maybe he wasn't that dense after all, I considered.  However all I said was, “Again!” because I, Matthew Loir, knew I could take on whatever else this Valley had to offer, especially if I was doing it to defend my Queen.  Even if I had to do it beside the Peanut Smelling Man.  I can’t believe he screamed like a lady… haha.