Have you ever felt the weight of the world on your shoulders? Okay well, not just THE world, but YOUR world? To me that is a lot heavier than THE world, because well, it's more personal.
I have.
I've felt it, and it's a crushing weight. Almost as if it takes pleasure in seeing how it flattens you. It's an invisible force, can't be seen but the impact can make it hard to breathe.
Some people call it stress. But I don't think that's completely a true term. I know what stress is. I have felt it a lot and sure, it's pressure but not completely crushing.
I've been feeling my world on my shoulders for a couple days now, and it's really starting to get to me.
I don't know if I want to cry or just stare at the ceiling blankly, letting myself be swallowed into the hollow thoughts drifting through my head. Or if I want to eat a whole box of swiss rolls or see how long I can go without eating because my appetite isn't consistent anyway.
It's as if I'm feeling so much at once, that it comes out as a straight spout of confusion.
I like to make sense of things by writing. Unfortunately, sometimes my words come out as muddled as well, mud. In which case I turn to my alternative source of sensical.
Painting.
Painting is simplier because I can just paint with the main colors I'm feeling. Today I painted a canvas. I didn't know what it would turn out to be, I just put colors on the blank space. Emotions I was feeling turned into more solid colors, allowing me to disect what was being swirled together.
Dark blue, Black, a mix of Aqua... Add Blue. Add Light Purple. Make it darker. Add something light to contrast.
Who knows what I wanted to paint. But the colors make it easier to see what needs to be seen. I still feel my world, but it's not as heavy...
I can do this.
I can hold up what's important and push on.
I just wish it would be a little less... pesado.
But until then...
I'll be listening to sad music, letting myself paint my feelings into something beautiful.
